Then I decided to utilize the Writing Excuses podcast assignments from season 10 to help me in finishing. It ended up distracting me from finishing rather than helping- but in a good way. I have ended up rewriting deleting and writing new scenes. I'm still not finished, but I'm focused on specific portions.
Which leads me to the scene that follows. One of the challenges was to write a combat scene. That is something I hadn't really tried before. I already knew that Colin was an urban explorer and traceur, (practitioner of parkour). But in researching parkour I learned that there was a connection with capoeira. (a martial art). So I watched a lot of YouTube videos to add that to the combat.
More recently I used the scene for another assignment.... taking a scene and making a hard left turn. Basically, I added a plot twist that I hadn't planned. This version is the third time around, where I was challenged to remove the reveal of the plot twist. Instead of saving the surprise for the end of the scened, I revealed it much sooner, which then changed the emotional impact of the scene. (at least I hope it did.)
So this is the 4th version of this scene. I'm hoping I'm close. I'm sharing it with anyone interested in reading it. I hope you give me a little feedback. Mostly I'm looking for comments on whether the combat elements are understood as well as whether Colin's emotional state is clear and what emotional impact this may have had on you, the reader.
So.... here it is:
Note: Somewhere in the text before this scene, the setting
is established as what was probably once a large library, now housing a
collection of artifacts on the shelves.
Upon entering the room, one finds several tables and chairs set up for
study. One area is designated as a records area, full of ledgers cataloging the
artifacts.
The rows of
shelves stretch out from the entrance of the library to the back wall. There
are also shelves along the wall to the left. The wall to the right has dramatic
floor to ceiling windows with a view of rolling mountain peaks covered with
trees as far as the eye can see. There is a sheer drop from the windows down a
cliff. It is impossible to see how far the drop goes. At the entrance end there
is a section of wall with a number of framed paintings stacked against it. Some
of which are over two meters high. Colin and Allison have agreed not to disturb
the stack of paintings until all other resources have been exhausted. They’ve
taken extra care to make sure everything is left exactly as they have found it,
and worry that replacing the paintings back incorrectly might give them away.
Colin stood
atop the library ladder, hidden in the shadows of the uppermost shelves. “What
about this?.” He called down to Allison, tossing her a ball of string.
“How would
we use this?” she asked, unwinding a length of cord and examining it more
closely.
Colin
shrugged. “It didn’t come with instructions., but maybe it’s strong enough to
function as a rappelling rope.”
Allison
gave him a skeptical look. He didn’t blame her. They had been working for days
to find something to help them in their escape. The windows seemed to be their
best bet. Unfortunately, the Mountain Manor was perched upon the side of the
mountain, and from their vantage point within the library, it appeared the
window wall was constructed at the edge of a cliff. It was a long drop down,
even if they could break a window and exit that way. So far none of the
artifacts they had found were of any us in making the windows their escape.
“I don’t know.” Allison replied. Colin could
hear the doubt in her voice. “But I’ll
check to see if there are any notes on its use when I change the ledger entry.” She rewound the string and stuffed the ball
into her bag. Colin wondered if the bag might have a bit of magic. It never
ceased to amaze him how much she could cram into it.
Colin began
poking about in another box on the uppermost shelf as Allison headed down the
aisle toward the ledgers. Seconds later, he heard her gasp. He looked down to
see two bulky figures blocking her exit. Mr. Cruz’s henchmen hadn’t been
expected for another day or two, yet here they were. Colin watched in horror as
the two men confronted Allison below.
“Looks like
we found the little mouse whose been eating our cheese.” The one called Jing
snarled in his gravelly voice. He moved
forward, keeping his eyes on Allison who matched his movement, step for step,
backing into the aisle from which she’d just come. There was a small gap along
the line of shelves to her left. It was small enough for Allison to fit
through, but not the stocky man facing her.
Colin saw
it was a good plan, but from his hidden view, he could also see the flaw in it.
Allison was so focused on the man pursuing her she’d missed where the other had
gone. Unfortunately for her, Lem had
slipped back and into the next aisle where he would be waiting.
Colin was
safe enough. He hadn’t even been noticed. But unless he acted quickly, Allison
would be captured for sure.
Scanning
over the rows of shelves and fixtures in the room, Colin formulated a plan and
began counting in his head. He had to time things just right. Moving stealthily
onto the uppermost shelf, Colin positioned himself to be able to watch the
movements of each of the players in the room. Just a few more seconds…
As he
suspected, Allison dodged sideways through the gap and into the adjacent aisle.
Jing lunged, only his arm reaching through the opening and grasping at air. At
the same moment that Allison emerged from the gap, Lem started down the aisle
toward her.
Colin was
already in motion. He took two steps along the top of the shelf before leaping
into the air and catching hold of the chandelier hanging over the aisle. He was
uncertain whether the fixture would hold his weight, but in a split second had
decided to take a chance. Colin brought his feet together as he caught hold of
the light fixture, aiming his body toward his target.
There was a
sudden jolt as the chain broke free. It couldn’t bear his weight. He swung forward
wildly, preparing for a crash landing ten feet below. Then the chain caught, halting his downward
trajectory and swinging him forward again, positioning him lower and slightly
off to one side.
If it hadn’t been for the unexpected drop,
Colin would have hit Lem squarely in the head. He still had the element of
surprise, but he struck the assailant in the shoulder. Colin had hoped to knock
him out. Instead, the stocky man was set into a half spin, knocking him forward
and sprawling out on his stomach. Colin let go landing on Lem’s back.
A flash of
silver landed on the floor next to the henchman’s head. Colin recognized the
amulet that would open the portal back to New Urbana. He pulled it from Lem’s
neck, breaking the cord and pressing the amulet into Allison’s hand where she
stood.
“Run!” he
commanded. “Go find the way out and don’t look back!” Allison gave him a
worried look, but he was already pushing her toward the door. “I need to stay
here and hold them off.” He explained desperately.
Colin knew that once she left he’d have no
escape. He’d be trapped here in the Manor with two very gruff and dangerous
men. He may have just sealed his fate, but if Allison got away, it would be
worth it.
He turned
from watching Allison escape out the door just in time to catch from the corner
of his eye the sight of Jing plowing toward him. Colin didn’t have time to
evade, so instead he prepared his body to take the force, allowing the bigger
man to knock him over and back. It felt exactly how Colin had imagined it might
feel to be hit by a lorry. It hurt. A lot. But that second was all he needed to
prevent the blow from knocking the wind out of him. He spun backward in a
rolling somersault, landing in a crouch.
Watching
the stocky man redirect toward him, Colin counted down, calming his mind and
focusing on his timing. He shifted his weight, leaping up and slightly forward
as Jing approached. Touching down his left foot for leverage, Colin angled his
body and raised his right leg in a high roundabout kick, directing all the
momentum of the movement into its force.
The
unexpected hit landed perfectly, sending the Jing flying backward toward the
paintings stacked against the wall next to the windows. He crumpled into a heap
as the paintings toppled over, crashing down upon the henchmen as he tried to
rise to his feet.
Where the
paintings were once neatly stacked, a blank wall remained. There was something
about that space that tickled the back of Colin’s mind. If it had been
consistent with the design of the room, there should have been a window located
there. Colin had assumed as much. But instead, it was just a blank wall. Acting on a hunch, he shoved his hand in his
pocket, grasping the magic key. The outline of a huge set of double doors
revealed itself the moment he touched the talisman. He had found the way
out! Unfortunately, there was one
hulking mass of a man between him and his escape. Letting go of the key and
looking up, he realized the other had recovered and was headed his way. Colin
lighted onto his feet and without skipping a beat, ran down the long aisle
between the taller storage shelves.
Lem was at
Colin’s heels, his gravelly laughter echoing through the library. “There’s
nowhere for you to go. You’re trapped!”. Colin was headed into a dead end.
If Lem had
expected Colin to slow down, he was in for a surprise. Colin picked up speed,
running toward the corner where the wall and shelf met. Using the rough wall of stone on his left and
the shelves on his right, Colin scrambled up to the top, using the momentum to
push him upward in a back and forth scramble. His pursuer crashed into the wall
below him with a grunt.
From the
top, he could see the rows of shelves stretching out toward the open area of
the room. Allison was gone. Colin hoped that meant a successful escape. If he could somehow talk his way out of this,
he could make his own escape through the newly revealed doorway. Jing joined
Lem below. Colin turned to face them and tried a different approach.
“She’s got
the amulet.” He called down to the henchmen. “There’s no way out of here for
any of us now. Shouldn’t we just try to get along?”
Lem gave a
harsh laugh. He was eerily good at that. “Your little friend hasn’t escaped
anything. Mr. Cruz was waiting at the other end. He’ll take care of her and
open the way for us once we’ve disposed of you.”
Colin froze
in a moment of panic. It wasn’t like him, but things were unraveling more
quickly than he could adapt. He looked over at the doorway where he’d last seen
Allison. Was this it? Had she already been captured? Alarming as that was,
another thought hit Colin. They would take her alive, but apparently Mr. Cruz
wouldn’t need them both. They intended on killing him! Colin began to seriously
question his chances of survival.
Without
warning, Colin was nearly knocked off his feet. Pressing their shoulders
against the shelf upon which he stood, the two henchmen began rocking it back
and forth. Colin scrambled to keep his
footing as the surface below pitched and swayed beneath his feet. He barely had
time to leap from the top of his perch to the next row of shelves before they
began to topple as well. There was little respite in his actions, however. The domino effect had begun. Colin leaped
from one row to the next, just ahead of the crashing avalanche of the shelves
and all their carefully curated contents.
In spite of
his efforts to remain calm, Colin’s heart raced. He could maneuver across
bridges, down stairs, over deep chasms and vault from rooftop to rooftop. But
all of that was stationary. He’d never had to put his skills to the test where
every possible landing was either moving or about to move. He made a desperate
grasp for another one of the chandeliers, expecting it to hold his weight at
least as well as the last. He hoped it would be no worse.
Moving
nearly horizontally, his fingers grasped at the arm of the chandelier. It moved
with him as he soared past the ceiling mount. It didn’t hold. Instead, it
pulled out of the ceiling, offering only enough resistance to pull Colin backward
against the side of the shelf as it reached it’s tipping point. At least it
broke the momentum of his fall. He dropped to the ground as low as he could get
and tucked himself into a ball on the floor as the contents of the shelves above
showered down over him. He stared wide-eyed as a saber landed, point down, only
inches from his face. That was close!
Colin squeezed
his eyes shut, preferring not to see what was coming next. The space around him
rumbled as one shelf tumbled into the next, leaving him in a pocket of space
where the two shelves met. The crashing of glass signaled when the last of the
shelves had fallen, breaking the bank of windows along the far wall. The sound
was so loud and lasted so long, he wondered if there would be a single pane
left intact.
Choking on
the dust that settled around him, Colin tried not to cough. He didn’t want to
give away his location to the enemies who would be searching the rubble.
“Mr. Cruz
won’t be happy about this.” One of the men grumbled from somewhere beyond the
debris.
“Doesn’t
matter.” The other replied. “He can’t leave New Urbana anyway, and we’re not
gonna tell ‘im.”
“But what
if he requests something in particular and we can’t find it?” the first asked,
a bit of nervousness mixed with the rough voice.
“We’ll
blame the intruder. “
There was a
bit of joint laughter followed by one last comment. “But first we have to find
‘im and dispose of ‘im.”
Colin
looked down what amounted to a short tunnel between his position and the
library beyond the shelves. A patch of dim light shone at the end. He listened
to the movements of the two men, punctuated by the occasional crash of
something heavy being moved. He couldn’t move without moving the debris, which
would likely make enough noise to give away his location. He considered timing
his movements to the crashes, but they were too irregular. Besides, even if he could
get out of the tunnel, he couldn’t be sure what he’d find once he got out.
None of the
options he considered seemed viable. Meanwhile, the crashing and mumbling and
occasional curse reverberated through the remains of the library.
Colin held
his breath as he spotted a pair of legs at the end of the tunnel. A moment
later, the upside down, flat, bald, head of Lem appeared. “Gotcha!” he grinned.
The henchman disappeared. Colin tried to back away from the end, but his way
was blocked by what had once been a magical bust that was supposed to sing.
Colin appreciated the fact that he hadn’t been crushed by it.
“Give me a
hand, will you?” Lem called to his partner. A moment later Colin spotted two
pair of legs as the two men started heaving at the heavy piece of furniture. It
was the only thing between Colin and capture.
Looking
about him, Colin spotted the saber wedged into the wooden floor beside him.
Grabbing it by the hilt, he worked it out of the floorboards and tried to
position it a way that he might use to defend himself. It probably wouldn’t
work, but it was all he had. The shelf began to lift and Colin gritted his
teeth, preparing for the worst.
Out in the
library beyond, Colin heard a series of grunts. The shelf dropped and he
ducked, his reflexes taking over. There was the sound of scuffling feet, a few
words he didn’t recognize, but was pretty sure was cursing of some sort, and
then a loud thud.
Colin
waited and watched, unsure what to expect. Haloed in the light at the end of
the tunnel appeared an unexpected but very welcome sight. Allison grinned at
him. “Are you coming out, or what?”
He
scrambled forward, emerging into the chaos that had once been the library. The
table where he and Allison had poured over the ledgers was on its side. One of
the chairs had been shattered. Every shelf from the interior stacks had been
toppled. Only those against the wall on the far side of the library remained
standing, but even they had suffered damage.
“I thought
you’d gone!” Colin embraced Allison.
“And leave
you to have all the fun? Not a chance!”
Behind him,
Colin heard a muffled growl. Turning, he spotted the two henchmen, lying on the
floor of the library, back to back and wrapped head to toe in string. It wound heavily around their mouths,
creating an effective gag as well as bindings.
Colin’s jaw
dropped.
“I figured
out a use for the string!” Allison beamed. “Sorry I didn’t come in with it
sooner. I had to wait for them to be close enough to get them both in one go.”
Colin
grinned at her. For once he was glad she hadn’t done as he said.
Allison
pulled the amulet out of her bag. “Let’s get out of here!” Colin grabbed her
arm, warning her of what had awaited her on the other side. She looked over at
the men and scowled. “Well then this is useless.” She exclaimed, tossing the
amulet next to the bound men.
Turning to
Colin, she added. “So we can’t get out that way, and we can’t stay here.” She
bit her lip, her mood effectively dampened. “What do we do?”
Colin
grinned but said nothing. He led her over to the table where he had left his
backpack. In spite of the damage throughout the room, it remained untouched.
After checking its contents he pulled the pack over his shoulders and looked
around the room one more time. The henchmen were struggling in the bindings,
but he couldn’t be sure the string would hold. He wasn’t sure if they could
follow him through the hidden doorway. Could he take that chance?
He walked
back toward the shelves and bent down to picked up the saber he had dragged out
with him. Holding it out in front of him, he admired the craftsmanship. He
wondered what kind of magic it held. But mostly he considered whether he had it
in him to kill the henchmen rather than risk their following him.
A glint of
light reflected off the blade. Colin turned it slowly, repeating the motion
that created the effect, tracking its reflection. It had landed on one of the
fallen paintings. It was large enough to create a makeshift wall.
“I don’t
understand.” Allison interrupted his thoughts. “What are we doing?”
Colin began
pulling at the painting, freeing it from the rubble. “Help me with this?” he
requested. Allison shrugged and circled to the other side, lifting her end.
Together they propped it against a set of tables, blocking their view of the
henchmen, but more importantly, blocking the henchmen’s view of them.
“I don’t
want them to see know how we did this.” He whispered, pulling out his key. He
looked over at the wall, seeing the outline of, not only the doors, but a
transom window above as well. Of course, Allison couldn’t see it, but she gave
him a look of understanding. They picked their way through the rubble and Colin
inserted the key into the lock and pushed the door open. Although the windows were over a drop of at
least several hundred meters, the door opened onto a stone patio enclosed by a
low wall.
“I’ll never
get used to that.” Allison whispered under her breath as she stepped through
the doorway. Colin wondered what it looked like to her, seeing a wall, and then
suddenly seeing a door that he could see all along.
Behind them
there was a crash. Lem (or was it Jing?) cursed. The makeshift wall fell over.
The henchmen were unraveling themselves out of the remainder of their bonds,
staring at the open doorway with looks of shock on their faces.
“Time to
go!” Colin announced, shoving the door closed. He pulled out the key and the door
disappeared. An arm reached through one
of the broken windows, followed by Jing’s head and shoulder. For a moment it
looked like He was going to attempt to climb out. Luckily for him, the man
realized the sheer drop below and pulled himself inside with a growl. Seconds later, a pounding sounded on the
other side of the wall where Colin and
Allison stood.
“Can they
get through?” Allison asked.
Colin tried
to sound confident. “I don’t think so. They can’t see the door. I don’t think it exists for
them.”
“Just to be
sure, let’s not stick around.” Allison suggested.
The
courtyard was large, but empty. To their right was an opening in the wall where
a decorative iron gate hung open. As they passed the threshold of the gate,
they heard the muffled sounds of the angry men from whom they had escaped.
Before them was a curiously paved path that led along the mountainside. They
weren’t sure where they were going, but it had to be better than the fate that
awaited them with the henchmen. And at last they were free from the confines of
the Mountain Manor.
No comments:
Post a Comment